February 2012
16 posts
After dreaming and hesitating, Prague is finally being realized. :) 10 days away from here.
I need that break. And I know that if I do not go, I would hate myself for it.
Only dilemma left, whether or not to head to Germany. Whether or not Germany wants me there.
So maybe you feel the same way too - you know before bedtime. That’s why you text the way you do. We are most vulnerable before slumber. That moment between consciousness and absolutely surrender - that decision to descend or rock in that limbo.
I miss you most before bedtime. That’s why I text the way I do. When I do that is. I am most vulnerable before slumber. That moment between...
Defensive reading.
Definition: jumping into a book, when the world becomes too much to handle.
hell yeah
While it heals, writing also immortalizes, setting pain in grain.
Pretty sick and tired of pretending that I’m alright and having small talk when all I really what to do is cry out all that pent up pain and stay in bed all day and cry some more.
Because I’m allowed to grief. I’m entitled to grief. And I need to grief to get on with life. I’m so tired of being ‘myself’ when I am clearly not. Please, can someone hear this...
I can’t do this alone. Pain is too tough to be borne alone.
This is a different kind of sadness, an unfamiliar pain. For the first time, I feel alone - lonely alone. In a way that drives me nuts. In a way that needs deliverance. In a way the shuts everyone out, including myself.
I don’t understand this feeling anymore. Does the recognition of my psychosis make it less psychotic?
It is space, silence and solitude that I need. But it is also close...
January 2012
12 posts
“I know you felt it
the surge of life and passion
the instant we met.”
– Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson (via tylerknott)
You don't get to
You don’t get to leave and say you’ll miss me, kiss me while we cry and say our last goodbyes before the next time we meet which we don’t know when. You don’t get to leave and send me texts which show that you miss me and then just disappear like that. You don’t get to leave and say you will still call but not do so because still love each other.
You don’t get...
“The beauty of things must be that they end.”
– Jack Kerouac, Tristessa (via honeyforthehomeless)
“The keenest sorrow is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our...”
– Sophocles (megha1027)
The soul is old
The soul is old. It gets pretty difficult to go back to loud, brash vivaciousness after crossing that fine line. What is it that is missing now? Or what is it that I have lost? Is this about losing or gaining something?
There seems to be no need for so much talk now - no need for all the superfluity, the excess, the words that dissipate into mere sounds. There is a calmness. And also a solitude,...
Final Call Before Boarding
Your nose turned red by the moment. You furrowed your brows a little. Was it really confusing? You looked at me and reached for my cold hands. I wished you could have looked at me this way and reached for my hands this way more often. I laid down, neck resting on your lap - having your arm lightly wrapped across my bosom. The furrowing became more intense. Were you hurting too? I hate looking at...
01.01.12 - 00.12 HR
Tim: Isn’t it strange that on this one day the world stops, and everyone decides to celebrate just another day?
Alex: At least that’s something the world agrees upon.
Tim: Yeah, I suppose we all need some sort arbitrariness in our lives.
December 2011
9 posts
Parting
Parting is always difficult. It takes us out of our usual routine of things. Something that we got used to and now have to be rid of.
Parting is always difficult. Especially so when it was not for love lost. Especially so when love is not enough, and the heart does not have the last say.
Parting is always difficult. But it is made simpler because you are where you are and I am where I am -...
“Try a thing you haven’t done three times. Once, to get over the fear of doing...”
– Virgil Garnett Thomson (via quote-book)
This is tougher than it appears to be.
“Inside, we are ageless and when we talk to ourselves, it’s the same age of the...”
– David Lynch (via maryjessica)
Good times. But I have come to a verdict. I have come to it earlier though - I just did not want to admit it to myself. It is comfortable to stay in this.
So this is what it means when they say, ‘I have no heart to do so’. So yes, I have no heart -no yet at least- to step away from this.
So he went on the plane and I walked away
And after 2 weeks we part again with more questions and more clarity. Watching him leave and feeling those warm hands slip away from the small of my back was the biggest heartache of the year. I couldn’t hold back tears as we kissed, not knowing when the next will be.
2 weeks was just enough for us to say things, do things, see things, feel things. 2 weeks was just enough for us to...
November 2011
19 posts
1 more day
After 158 days. :) It’s been too long.
5 days
8 days
It’s the little things that make me want to love you better.
“It is interesting to imagine what our vision of the world would be like had...”
– Doris Lessing, from The Cambridge Guide to Literature in English foreword (via bookoasis)
Heartache (German with English Subtitles) →
A little too close for comfort. But nonetheless, very nicely done. I can’t wait till Theo arrives - 9 days. :) It means 14 full days together. Before we have to part again. Before…I don’t know. It would be nice to spend Christmas and New Year’s up there in the snow with him…It is painful to be able to think about it, but have no means to do it.
“Maybe we will not achieve the perfection and ideal state of being or happiness...”
Sometimes it really feels disgusting. When your day needs some perking up, you get more annoyed. I just wish you were here. So we can just sit quietly with each other. We don’t need to FIND something to talk about and then get upset that we are both grouchy and can’t say a thing and hang up pissed.
I really just wish we were physically together.